I am having a very negative day. First of all, I'm trying my damndest to sit tight and wait for the London Mayoral Election Results, which look grim, which make me ponder whether democracy should in fact be a cultural value, or whether it's a conspiracy of sad liberals setting themselves up to be run by idiots and facists.  Particularly because I know two people who didn't vote, one of whom forgot, the other of whom couldn't be bothered.  I consider these people my friends, and yet on a very basic level I believe that people who don't vote are only fit to live in a dictatorship.  I despise the complacency of it, the casual disregard for the suffragettes, the taking for granted of rights which people in Zimbabwe and Tibet and Burma and China are suffering for - and dying for - right now.

Also, sat through a nice staff briefing presentation today which was a timely reminder that slavery is still endemic in Brazil.  China too.  Did you know that before?  Well, now you do.  It should piss you off.

Finally, I'm not sure if this continues the crushing negativity or injects an element of hope into the proceedings, I direct you to an NPR story featuring my friend Juan Hoffmaister.  You've got to listen to the audio slide show, which rocked my world with its ability to communicate some powerful truths with JuanPa's usual blend of passion and understatement.

I've been reading Elizabeth Kolbert's Field Notes From a Catastrophe, because I really liked the original series of New Yorker articles it was based on. The book is fantastic. It's wonderfully written (although i would have liked more maps and charts), evocative, and although it's obviously trying to drive home the point that climate change is real, and terrifying, it does so in a subtle way.

The problem is that it's very slow going. I can only read about 5 or 6 pages before I have to put the book down and clutch my head, pondering the fact that humans may well be totally fucked. Seriously, we're so doomed. I contempate the death of our civilization for a few minutes before I pick up the book and start again where I left off. Read, pause, think about doom, repeat.

(Do I really think we're doomed? Not really, or I would be trying to make vast amounts of money and enjoy the last days of hedonism before the sea eats New York. These days I'd say it's about 50/50 doom/hope.)

Anyway, read the book. It's really good.

Okay, so on Tuesday I went to cast my vote in the Democrats Abroad primary at Portchester Hall in London. The problem was, I was having a massive moral crisis. I was an undecided voter, for the first time in my entire life (and yes, this includes casting a vote for Dukakis in my school's mock election in 1988 and crying when Bush won).

Since Edwards dropped out (and this Krugman column made me cry), I've had a hard time getting excited about the Democratic primary. This isn't just out of character, it's out of keeping with the massive turnouts recorded all over the states which (I assume) means that heaps of other people are terribly thrilled. It's a strange combination of disillusionment, apathy, and indecision that I've never experenced before. Between Obamania and the Hillarybot, who the hell am I going to vote for?

Yes, Obama's very charismatic and a spectacular public speaker. But in terms of policies, he's a well-cut empty suit. Without mandates, his healthcare plan is worthless and will leave half the uninsured still out in the cold. Hillary's plan doesn't do this, but she might destroy the Democratic party. Obama seems to be uniting progressives all over the US but at the same time I'm a little bit creeped out and turned off my his cult of personality. On the other hand, my gut feeling tells me he might be more electable, because so many people (irrationally) hate Hillary. My feminist gut tells me that this is because America is more antifeminist than it is racist, and that a lot of people hate her more for being a strong, intelligent woman in politics than because of her policies (many of which I still find uncool, such as her early support for the Iraq war). Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

So I voted my conscience: I decided not to decide. I'll obviously fight hard for whomever wins the popularity contest nomination, and until then Edwards has my protest vote.

Sez Bob Herbert: "The presidential candidates don’t seem to be rising to the nation’s many crucial challenges with the sense of urgency and the creative vision that is called for. Not yet, at least."

Meanwhile, I've joined Ravelry and am knitting like a fiend. It's nice to have a second hobby when your first one depresses you. I'm slightly alarmed that I've only been on there three days and i've already caught a very subtle Little Women reference in the forums and queued up more than 10 new patterns I want to try. And, of course, I've already found someone who knitted their own Obama hat.

I think maybe I should just go to bed.

I think I can sleep. I'm so tired. Though marginally less barfy cos Becky and I went to the pub and listened to jazz music.

Polls don't even start closing for another 40 minutes. And actually, California is SO FAR AWAY that if I get to work at 9:30 it will only be 1:30am California time.

I can't decide. But I'm sort of nodding off in front of the CNN Political Ticker, because the bitches can't even give me informal early exit polls. *gurns at CNN*